My son, Joey, is almost seven.
Today, Joey told me that his "real" home is the one that he lives in with his mom and his dog.
Today, Joey told me that my apartment isn't real ... it's a "fake home".
Today, Joey told me that I'm not a Davis anymore because I don't live in the same house that he does with mommy.
Today, Joey told me that I'm not his Daddy because I left.
Today, Joey told me that he can't love me because we're not a family and we don't live together.
Today was one of the lowest points of my life because it felt like my son didn't love me anymore.
Today felt like everything I have tried to do to insulate Joey as much as possible from the reality of separation and divorce was for naught.
Tonight, I knelt in front of my son in the hallway of my apartment building and wiped the tears from his face and tried to reassure him as much as possible that everything was going to be ok ... all the while fighting tears myself and failing.
Tonight, I sat on the floor of my son's room and held him, crying into his hair and told him over and over again how much I love him. That as long as he loves me, that's all that matters to me. That he is, and will always be, the most important person in my life.
Tonight, I told my son that I will always be his daddy, no matter what happens. I told him that I wish I could explain why things have changed and that maybe one day I will be able to.
Tonight, Joey said he was sorry for the things he said to me and that he loves me.
Tonight, I laid next to my son and watched him fall asleep, wishing for all the world that I could protect him from days like this but know that I can't.
Today has been the single hardest day of my life as a parent.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Saturday, June 18, 2011
The Toughest Job I’ll Ever Have
Father’s Day is upon us and it’s got me thinking about how things change and yet stay the same.
One of the most difficult aspects of my separation from my ex-wife is how this whole thing has and will affect our 6 1/2 –year-old son, Joey. I have struggled so long and so hard about what this will do to him, about how it will change him.
One of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life is sit down with Joey and tell him his mom and I were separating and that I was moving out. I will always remember ever single detail of that moment, the talk we had with him…sitting on the floor of the living room, trying to be as comforting as possible but at the same time honest and answer his questions.
Through tears he asked the questions I expected, “Will you still be my mommy and daddy? Will I still be your son? Are we still going to be a family?”
We reassured him that we will always be his parents, he our son and that yes, we will still be a family, it’s just going to be a little different.
He also asked questions that I didn’t expect, “Can I watch TV now?”
Leading up to this talk and making this change, I had been in therapy weekly for almost a year and agonized over what was going on at home. Much of the discussion centered on Joey and how I didn’t want him to ever be a child of a divorce, how I didn’t want to hurt him, how I would never wish this for him. He loved the idea of the three of us being together so much, the idea of family, and often initiated “Davis family hugs” and the three of us would embrace each other, usually with Joey in the middle, laughing.
As I talked to my therapist, I felt more and more like a failure not just as a husband but as a father as well. I felt like I was letting Joey down and that if I wasn’t physically there for him, how could I be a dad to him?
I was wracked with guilt, an overwhelming feeling that I was ripping his world apart, that I was doing this to him. I cried so much thinking about how this amazing little boy was caught in the middle of something he couldn’t really understand and it was my fault.
But then a funny thing happened …
I moved out, got my own place … and Joey survived.
In my darkest times, my therapist told me again and again that children are resilient. That, like adults, they find a way to cope and as long as I was always there for Joey, ultimately he would be OK.
And you know what? He was right.
Yes, Joey has his moments and he does tell me sometimes that he wishes we were all together and that I lived at his house, but overall he’s OK.
I wish everyone could meet my son. He’s got personality to spare, LOVES Star Wars and Legos … all the typical boy stuff.
He’s such a beautiful boy, inside and out. Blue eyes, freckles across his cheeks, thick brown hair that I love to run my fingers through and mess up.
His smile is infectious and I absolutely LOVE the way he makes himself laugh … a great, from-deep-down-inside belly laugh.
Even more, I love the way he makes me laugh, especially how hard he tries to get me to laugh. But the best part is when he makes me laugh without trying and I have to try and explain to him why daddy is laughing. Like when he could stare at himself in the mirror for hours, making faces, waving his hands.
Being with him is the best part of my life. Seeing the world through his eyes, the way he gets so excited and passionate about something, how well he reads and writes, takes such pleasure in little things, like keeping rocks and sticks for his “collection” … the way he talks so authoritatively about Star Wars, and his imagination is amazing.
Without a doubt, my most favorite thing in life is the sound of Joey’s voice when I pick him up from school and he comes running to me and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!” and wraps his arms around me. His hug is so comforting to me and I can feel how much he loves me. I never get tired of hearing him say out of the blue, “Daddy, I love you.”
You often hear about how being a parent is the most difficult job in the world and whoever said that wasn’t kidding. Of course things aren’t perfect all of the time and Joey can drive me absolutely nuts. I’m not a perfect father… no one is. But I’m trying the best I can and if Joey’s hugs and kisses and how often he tells me, “Daddy, I can’t wait for Father’s Day because you’re the best dad ever!” are any indication, then I think I’m doing a pretty good job.
At least, if Joey thinks so, then that’s all that matters – and will ever matter – to me.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Double-edged Sword
This is one of those issues that is a perfect example of “be careful what you wish for”.
This week the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the rights of the members of a Baptist Church in Kansas to protest this country’s involvement in foreign wars by holding rallies at the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers while spouting what many feel is hate speech.
In essence, the church members rally at these funerals, they say, because soldiers deserve to die since they fight for the U.S. which tolerates homosexuality.
I’m not going to get into what the protestors write on their placards … google “westboro baptist church” and you’ll find all the information you want about these people and the vitriolic things they spout at their protests.
This latest case against the church involves a father burying his son who was killed in Iraq, and had sued the group for invasion of privacy and emotional distress because of the things they were saying outside of his son’s funeral. In lower courts, the father had been awarded almost $11 million in damages, which were later reduced to $5 million.
The church appealed the decision and the case made its way to the Supreme Court, which issued its ruling this week. By an 8-1 vote, the justices wrote that while many would consider the church member’s hate-filled speech abhorrent, they have a right to say what they want in this country because the First Amendment of Constitution protects its freedom of speech.
I was listening to NPR on the way home Wednesday and they interviewed the father of the fallen soldier. You could clearly hear the anger, the hurt, and the shock in his voice. He argued passionately about how disrespectful the protestors are, how (in his opinion) they could make their point somewhere else and don’t have to show up at funerals like this. He also said he couldn’t understand how the court could rule like this.
The point was also made in the NPR piece that many of these protestors are family members and a few of them are lawyers. Because of this, they are keenly aware of the laws governing what they do, are careful to notify police before they show up and adhere to the laws governing the minimum distance they must keep away from the funeral sites. Therefore, they aren’t technically breaking the law when they gather.
For an instant, I was shocked and dismayed that the Supreme Court could do this, could validate what these people say. But, the more I listened the more I realized that, for better or worse, they were right, especially when I read this quote from the decision, authored for the majority by Chief Justice John Roberts:
“Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and -- as it did here -- inflict great pain. On the facts before us, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker."
Of course, the ultimate irony here is that our soldiers are fighting and dying and have fought and died while protecting our right to free speech, even the free speech of those like the members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Like the French philosopher and historian Voltaire once said, “I may not like what you say, but I’ll fight for your right to say it.”
This week the U.S. Supreme Court upheld the rights of the members of a Baptist Church in Kansas to protest this country’s involvement in foreign wars by holding rallies at the funerals of fallen U.S. soldiers while spouting what many feel is hate speech.
In essence, the church members rally at these funerals, they say, because soldiers deserve to die since they fight for the U.S. which tolerates homosexuality.
I’m not going to get into what the protestors write on their placards … google “westboro baptist church” and you’ll find all the information you want about these people and the vitriolic things they spout at their protests.
This latest case against the church involves a father burying his son who was killed in Iraq, and had sued the group for invasion of privacy and emotional distress because of the things they were saying outside of his son’s funeral. In lower courts, the father had been awarded almost $11 million in damages, which were later reduced to $5 million.
The church appealed the decision and the case made its way to the Supreme Court, which issued its ruling this week. By an 8-1 vote, the justices wrote that while many would consider the church member’s hate-filled speech abhorrent, they have a right to say what they want in this country because the First Amendment of Constitution protects its freedom of speech.
I was listening to NPR on the way home Wednesday and they interviewed the father of the fallen soldier. You could clearly hear the anger, the hurt, and the shock in his voice. He argued passionately about how disrespectful the protestors are, how (in his opinion) they could make their point somewhere else and don’t have to show up at funerals like this. He also said he couldn’t understand how the court could rule like this.
The point was also made in the NPR piece that many of these protestors are family members and a few of them are lawyers. Because of this, they are keenly aware of the laws governing what they do, are careful to notify police before they show up and adhere to the laws governing the minimum distance they must keep away from the funeral sites. Therefore, they aren’t technically breaking the law when they gather.
For an instant, I was shocked and dismayed that the Supreme Court could do this, could validate what these people say. But, the more I listened the more I realized that, for better or worse, they were right, especially when I read this quote from the decision, authored for the majority by Chief Justice John Roberts:
“Speech is powerful. It can stir people to action, move them to tears of both joy and sorrow, and -- as it did here -- inflict great pain. On the facts before us, we cannot react to that pain by punishing the speaker."
Of course, the ultimate irony here is that our soldiers are fighting and dying and have fought and died while protecting our right to free speech, even the free speech of those like the members of the Westboro Baptist Church.
Like the French philosopher and historian Voltaire once said, “I may not like what you say, but I’ll fight for your right to say it.”
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Van Hagar
So a recent post on the Van Halen News Desk 
assessing the Sammy Hagar-era of the band got me to thinking about the Red Rocker's stint fronting my all-time favorite band.
There's many die-hard fans out there who insist that the "real" Van Halen is when "Diamond" David Lee Roth trod the boards. Others (usually in the 30-years-old and younger set) insist there was no Van Halen until Sammy was brought on board to man the mic once Dave left or was fired (depending on who you talk to you). It's like saying Paul McCartney wasn't successful until he formed Wings. But I digress ...
As for Gary Cherone and Van Halen III ... well, let's pretend that never happened, shall we?
Anyway, so I've been thinking about this and here's what I think ... for me, they're two different bands. Van Halen is the Van Halen with David Lee Roth while Van Hagar is an entirely different band. The DLR version had more of an edge, and in general was hungrier ... well, until the 1984 album when Eddie Van Halen apparently decided he wanted to sell records instead of write a lot of hard-rocking music.
Listen to 1984 and the first disc with Sammy, 5150, makes perfect sense. 1984 featured the most synthesizers Ed had ever included on a VH album and 5150 pretty much picked up right where 1984 left off, right down to drummer Alex Van Halen including synth drums in his kit and Ed relying heavily on Steinberger guitars.
Now, you could argue that given 5150 was released in 1986 the synth drums and keyboards were a product of the time but I think it had more to do with the commercial success of 1984 then anything else. That album spawned more hits and sold more copies than any other DLR-era recording and it wouldn't surprise me if Warner Bros. came to Ed and made it clear that success needed to continue.
But what do I know? I wasn't there.
Back to Sammy ... I think too many fans of DLR are too quick to dismiss the work Sammy did with the band. It really is difficult to compare the two because, like I said, they're two different bands.
Sammy certainly brought a broader vocal range (face it, Dave's an amazing front man, but as far as range ... not so much) and he can definitely write some great lyrics (that is, when they aren't all about sex).
But Ed's writing improved as well. The whole band felt energized by Sammy and getting away from the constant battle that was Ed vs. Dave. By the way, I realize this is all moot given that the band is in the studio with Dave recording a new album, but let's keep chumming the waters and see what happens ...
For me, 5150 is one of the most seminal albums of any band, ever and here's why ... it was released in March, 1986, and that summer it's pretty much all I listened to. Hearing it now, 25 years (ye gods!) later and my first thought is driving around in my blue 1980 Pontiac Sunbird with my sister, windows open, stereo cranked listening to the album on the tape deck. It's the only tape I actually wore out the oxide on. I listened to the tape over and over and over again and knew (and still do) every single word, nuance, guitar lick, and drum fill by heart. My sister used to laugh at me because not only did I know all the lyrics, I could whistle the guitar solos, too.
I got so into the minutiae of the album that I listened to the last song, "Inside," on headphones for hours once so I could pick up and memorize the layered conversations. Those familiar with the disc will know what I'm talking about.
The News Desk post also featured a Top 10 Van Hagar song list (which, naturally, created a firestorm in the comments section), so ... here's mine in no particular order (song title, album):
assessing the Sammy Hagar-era of the band got me to thinking about the Red Rocker's stint fronting my all-time favorite band.There's many die-hard fans out there who insist that the "real" Van Halen is when "Diamond" David Lee Roth trod the boards. Others (usually in the 30-years-old and younger set) insist there was no Van Halen until Sammy was brought on board to man the mic once Dave left or was fired (depending on who you talk to you). It's like saying Paul McCartney wasn't successful until he formed Wings. But I digress ...
As for Gary Cherone and Van Halen III ... well, let's pretend that never happened, shall we?
Anyway, so I've been thinking about this and here's what I think ... for me, they're two different bands. Van Halen is the Van Halen with David Lee Roth while Van Hagar is an entirely different band. The DLR version had more of an edge, and in general was hungrier ... well, until the 1984 album when Eddie Van Halen apparently decided he wanted to sell records instead of write a lot of hard-rocking music.Listen to 1984 and the first disc with Sammy, 5150, makes perfect sense. 1984 featured the most synthesizers Ed had ever included on a VH album and 5150 pretty much picked up right where 1984 left off, right down to drummer Alex Van Halen including synth drums in his kit and Ed relying heavily on Steinberger guitars.
Now, you could argue that given 5150 was released in 1986 the synth drums and keyboards were a product of the time but I think it had more to do with the commercial success of 1984 then anything else. That album spawned more hits and sold more copies than any other DLR-era recording and it wouldn't surprise me if Warner Bros. came to Ed and made it clear that success needed to continue.
But what do I know? I wasn't there.
Back to Sammy ... I think too many fans of DLR are too quick to dismiss the work Sammy did with the band. It really is difficult to compare the two because, like I said, they're two different bands.
Sammy certainly brought a broader vocal range (face it, Dave's an amazing front man, but as far as range ... not so much) and he can definitely write some great lyrics (that is, when they aren't all about sex).
But Ed's writing improved as well. The whole band felt energized by Sammy and getting away from the constant battle that was Ed vs. Dave. By the way, I realize this is all moot given that the band is in the studio with Dave recording a new album, but let's keep chumming the waters and see what happens ...
For me, 5150 is one of the most seminal albums of any band, ever and here's why ... it was released in March, 1986, and that summer it's pretty much all I listened to. Hearing it now, 25 years (ye gods!) later and my first thought is driving around in my blue 1980 Pontiac Sunbird with my sister, windows open, stereo cranked listening to the album on the tape deck. It's the only tape I actually wore out the oxide on. I listened to the tape over and over and over again and knew (and still do) every single word, nuance, guitar lick, and drum fill by heart. My sister used to laugh at me because not only did I know all the lyrics, I could whistle the guitar solos, too.
I got so into the minutiae of the album that I listened to the last song, "Inside," on headphones for hours once so I could pick up and memorize the layered conversations. Those familiar with the disc will know what I'm talking about.
The News Desk post also featured a Top 10 Van Hagar song list (which, naturally, created a firestorm in the comments section), so ... here's mine in no particular order (song title, album):
- "Get Up", 5150 - This song amps me up every time I hear it. Fast, driving beat and a great solo from Eddie. Great lyrics, too, that can be summed up by the lines: "Hold your head up high/Look 'em in the eye/And never say die!" I actually used that quote for my senior high school yearbook photo.
- "Best of Both Worlds", 5150 - I'd argue that this could be the best song Ed and Sammy ever wrote together. Again, very cool lyrics and the music personifies what Ed was trying to do with the band in a post-Dave world.
- "The Seventh Seal", Balance - For me, this is the best sounding album that band has produced to date. Drums, guitar, bass ... they all sound killer thanks to legendary producer Bruce Fairbairn who really got the best out of the band even though Ed was deep into his alcoholism and tensions between he and Sammy reportedly were at their worst. Still, this song just friggin' rocks and I love turning it up nice and loud. Very existential lyrics from Sammy and once again, Ed turns in an insane solo.
- "Don't Tell Me (What Love Can Do)", Balance - The first single from the album and it was an excellent start. Overall, it felt like Ed was returning to writing more rocking songs and thinking less about how many albums they were going to sell. I just love his guitar work in this song. While the radio single version of this song is edited, the album version features two solos (a rarity in a VH song) and the first solo has probably one of the lowest notes Ed's ever recorded. I like the way the solo makes my sub-woofer tremble every time. In the second solo, I friggin' love the note Eddie pulls off at the end of the solo. As I'm typing this, I just listened to that part over and over again ... excellent stuff!
- "It's About Time/Up for Breakfast/Learning To See", The Best of Both Worlds - From the second "Best of ..." compilation (and yes, I know these are three songs so this isn't a single entry, but it's my blog ... so there) ... All three of these songs show that these four guys could still write great songs together and that Ed (now sober) still has command of his axe. These songs are just fun to listen to and Sammy sounds like he's having a blast, especially in "It's About Time" which seems to be about his time in the band and how fans loved their music.
- "A.F.U. (Naturally Wired)", OU812 - Love, love LOVE this song. From the get-go, Ed kicks the rhythm into high gear and the rest of the band tried to keep up. Just love the riff Ed came up with for this song and Sammy's lyrics are some of the best he wrote for the album (talks about touring with the band and playing for the fans). Oh, and a killer solo from Eddie.
- "Poundcake", For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge - For an album with an unfortunate title (Really guys? How old are you?!?), this is a great opening number to the album. This was the first VH disc to feature some excellent production (Andy Johns, who had work with Led Zeppelin, manned the boards for the recording) so the album is full of great bass (wow, Michael Anthony really is playing!) and Alex's kit sounds like its filling every inch of the studio. Sammy's lyrics are a bit immature on this song, but I really like the music. Ed had just released his line of guitars with Earnie Ball Music Man and used them on this disc and it's one of his best guitar sounds so far.
- "Inside", 5150 - As I said earlier, listen to this song on headphones. Cool rhythm, off-beat feel and some funky guitar work from Eddie that's buried in the mix. Also maintains the band's party/sense of humor reputation. Listening to this song always made me feel like I was sitting in the studio with the band and was privy to some behind-the-scenes info. In essence, Sammy's acknowledging that the band has a past and is inviting fans along for the future. And for the record, I still have no idea what the hell the album cover means.
- "Cabo Wabo," Ou812 - If you ever wanted to delve into the mindset of Sammy Hagar, listen to the lyrics of this song. Sammy's a huge fan of Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, and tequila (he even has his own brand, which is excellent). The feel of this song makes it easy to picture the band sitting on the beach writing this tune as the sun sets and the waves crash on the sand. Very laid back and Ed's solo is kinda silky and slippery. Cool.
- "In 'n' Out", For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge - No, it's not what you think. The lyrics about are how tough it is to get ahead in life and how expensive it is to be born and die. "Ain't no way around the system/Money makes this world go 'round/All the way, they got you down ... They got you goin' in/They got you goin' out/Same amount/In and out". Ed also pulls off a very cool solo featuring a wah-wah pedal and his tremlo bar ... good stuff. It's one of those solos that fits seamlessly in the song.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Monstrously Good
I recently received via Netfilx the 2005 documentary Some Kind of Monster, which chronicles about two years in the life of Metallica as they recorded their album St. Anger.
When this CD was released, it was largely panned by both fans and critics alike. In fact, it was so bad that when I saw them tour for the album, they only performed two songs from the disc!
I'll admit that while I love the band, I didn't think the CD was worth the wait, either. It had a few really good tracks, like "St. Anger," "Amber," and "Dirt Window," but for the most part, it wasn't up to the band's past releases.
Fast forward to now and the documentary. It's an amazing movie and you don't have to be a fan of the band to like it. Followed for almost two years, the film shows how difficult it can be to write an album ... it's not all glamor and glitz, for sure. And Metallica faced even more issues as they didn't have a regular bass player (producer Bob Rock stood in) and lead singer James Hetfield went into re-hab for a year in the middle of writing and recording.
Again, the film was released six years ago and even though you know the band did stay together, it's riveting nonetheless. At one point, the band is in a meeting with their group therapist and you can see that they're on the brink of breaking up. I was literally on the edge of my seat watching this and said aloud (to no one), "Oh my god, they're going to break up! This is the end of the band!" Then I caught myself and realized that this wasn't the case. To me, that tells you how good the film is.
But getting back to the album, St. Anger. Even prior to seeing the documentary, the more I listened to the disc, the more I liked it. Now, after watching the movie about the making of the album, I have a whole new appreciation for what was behind the creative process. Listening to the disc now it sounds totally different ... for the better.
It's too bad more fans don't like this disc because while it's not their best effort (for me, nothing tops ... And Justice for All), St. Anger is an excellent record. The lyrics are incredible introspective given Hetfield's journey to sobriety but without being preachy. And knowing what is behind the lyrics of other songs just makes the music that much better for me.
My all-time favorite part of the album is at about 4:30 into the title track, "St. Anger" when the band kicks into overdrive and Hetfield sings:
and I want my anger to be healthy
and I want my anger just for me
and I need my anger not to "control"
yeah, and I want my anger to be me
Every time I listen to this song, I rewind that part and listen to it over and over again because it gives me chills. As a matter of fact, I got goosebumps just reading those lyrics now because I could hear the song in my head.
I hope this album eventually gets its due because it really is that good. The writing is tight, the band takes some chances musically and for the most part succeeds. Again, it's not their best effort, but it's definitely much better than most fans say it is.
When this CD was released, it was largely panned by both fans and critics alike. In fact, it was so bad that when I saw them tour for the album, they only performed two songs from the disc!
I'll admit that while I love the band, I didn't think the CD was worth the wait, either. It had a few really good tracks, like "St. Anger," "Amber," and "Dirt Window," but for the most part, it wasn't up to the band's past releases.Fast forward to now and the documentary. It's an amazing movie and you don't have to be a fan of the band to like it. Followed for almost two years, the film shows how difficult it can be to write an album ... it's not all glamor and glitz, for sure. And Metallica faced even more issues as they didn't have a regular bass player (producer Bob Rock stood in) and lead singer James Hetfield went into re-hab for a year in the middle of writing and recording.
Again, the film was released six years ago and even though you know the band did stay together, it's riveting nonetheless. At one point, the band is in a meeting with their group therapist and you can see that they're on the brink of breaking up. I was literally on the edge of my seat watching this and said aloud (to no one), "Oh my god, they're going to break up! This is the end of the band!" Then I caught myself and realized that this wasn't the case. To me, that tells you how good the film is.
But getting back to the album, St. Anger. Even prior to seeing the documentary, the more I listened to the disc, the more I liked it. Now, after watching the movie about the making of the album, I have a whole new appreciation for what was behind the creative process. Listening to the disc now it sounds totally different ... for the better.
It's too bad more fans don't like this disc because while it's not their best effort (for me, nothing tops ... And Justice for All), St. Anger is an excellent record. The lyrics are incredible introspective given Hetfield's journey to sobriety but without being preachy. And knowing what is behind the lyrics of other songs just makes the music that much better for me.
My all-time favorite part of the album is at about 4:30 into the title track, "St. Anger" when the band kicks into overdrive and Hetfield sings:
and I want my anger to be healthy
and I want my anger just for me
and I need my anger not to "control"
yeah, and I want my anger to be me
Every time I listen to this song, I rewind that part and listen to it over and over again because it gives me chills. As a matter of fact, I got goosebumps just reading those lyrics now because I could hear the song in my head.
I hope this album eventually gets its due because it really is that good. The writing is tight, the band takes some chances musically and for the most part succeeds. Again, it's not their best effort, but it's definitely much better than most fans say it is.
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